Dee and Meru VS. RCN
by Dee1
Summary: Despite popular belief, I am NOT dead! *Hears various sighs from the readers* ...Right. Just something I wrote when I was annoyed. RCN is a cable company, for those who don't know. More info in another one of my annoyingly long authors notes. *Cough*


Authors Note: This is complete and utter nonsense. I wrote it a while ago and never posted it here, I only posted it on Live Journal for my friends to read. The reason was because I'm not too proud of it. ...But then again am I ever?  
  
I'll say it again, for anyone who either didn't read the summary or forgot. RCN is a cable company, which supplies my internet service. I get kicked offline at random for no real reason. Eeeeeevil I tell you!   
  
Has nothing to do with "TLoNP" by the way, although most of the ideas revolve around it. Like... The Censoring Guy, the Narrators obnoxious comments, and so on.  
  
Sorry fans of Wink. I meant no harm. I actually really like Wink! *Throws a banana at Wink when no one's looking* Some friendly competition over a bishounen never hurt anyone! Right? ...Unless Rose is involved.  
  
Err... One more thing. Can someone tell me... Who started the phrase "For the love of Soa"? Was it me, or had it been around long before I showed up? I remember I claimed rights to the phrase in "The Legend of No Plot", and I want to know if I robbed someone else of it, 'cause I'd feel bad if I did. It's driving me nuts... Heh.   
  
Return of the obnoxiously long authors notes, huh? I'll be quiet now. *Runs off to get some Nesquik*  
  
  
Dee and Meru VS. RCN  
  
Dee: YOU --Censored--!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN CONNECTION LOST?! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR --Censored-- TO --Censored-- AND BACK, THEN RIP OFF YOUR --Censored-- AND STICK THEM UP YOUR --Censored-- !!!!!!!  
  
(Nice job, censoring guy.)  
  
Censoring Guy: Thank you.  
  
Meru: What's wrong this time?  
  
(The Dragoons are scattered about the inn, sitting around boredly. Dee is sitting in front of a computer looking quite angry.)  
  
Dee: THIS --Censored-- CABLE MODEM KEEPS --Censored-- NOT WORKING!! IT'S SO --Censored-- ANNOYING AND SOMEONE KILL THAT --Censored-- CENSORING GUY!  
  
Censoring Guy: (Hides)   
  
Albert: So... You bugged your family for months to get a cable modem, because it's "more efficient", and now you're complaining about it? Can we say irony?  
  
Dee: ALBERT SHUT THE --Censored-- UP BEFORE I --Censored-- KILL YOU!!!!!  
  
Albert: You wouldn't do that. You would upset "The Great One". (Rolls his eyes.)  
  
Dee: (Suddenly calming down.) That I would. We wouldn't want that... (Going back into incredibly annoyed mode.) BUT THIS MODEM KEEPS GOING DOWN AND IT'S ALL RCN'S FAULT AND I SWEAR TO SOA I'M GOING TO --Ultra mega censor-- !!!!!!!!!!!  
  
All: ...  
  
Dart: Someone hit her with something.  
  
Rose: Way ahead of you. (Beats Dee with a shoe.)  
  
Dee: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, RCN! YOU ARE THE DEVI--OH MY GOD NO! NOT THE SHOE! NOT THE SHOE!! (Falls to the ground twitching.)  
  
Guaraha: Well done.  
  
Shana: OH THE HUMANITY! HOW COULD YOU GIVE HER THE SHOE TREATMENT?! THAT'S SO WRONG!  
  
All: OH SHUT UP SHANA!  
  
Kongol: Since when Dee get so violent?  
  
Haschel: (Holds up headphones.) Well it COULD be the fact that she was listening to "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park over and over again...  
  
Albert: ...Or maybe it's because her modem isn't working and she can't get online. She just said that you morons.  
  
Dee: (Still twitching.) YOU WILL DIIIIIIIE RCN!!! I WILL FEED YOU TO A RABID TURKEY!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA--  
  
Rose: (Beats her again.) DOWN, BEAST! DOWN!  
  
Dee: (Dies)  
  
All: ...  
  
Meru: Oh my God!  
  
Haschel: You killed Dee!  
  
Kongol: YOU BAST--Why do we care?  
  
Dee: (Magically revives.) I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH AN EASY BAKE OVEN!!!   
  
(Dee loses all the little sanity she has and dives over to the microwave, grabbing Shana's pet hamster in the process.)  
  
Shana: NOOOOOOOOO! PUT MR.FLUFFY DOWN!  
  
Dee: (Maniacal laugh.) AND NOW MR.FLUFFY WILL DEMONSTRATE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN I NUKE RCN!! (Throws Mr.Fluffy into the microwave and slams the door.) BWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!  
  
Mr.Fluffy: MEEP!  
  
Miranda: She's really lost it this time!  
  
Lloyd: This is creepy! Someone calm her down!  
  
Rose: (Throws the shoe at Dee.) DIE YOU FREAKISHLY INSANE MIDGET!  
  
Dee: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! (Eats the shoe.) TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!  
  
All: ...  
  
Dee: (Bashes buttons on the microwave.) WEEEEEEEEEE! RADIATION IS GOOD FOR YOU, MR.FLUFFY! DON'T YOU WANT TWO NEW ARMS TO SPROUT OUT OF YOUR BACK?!  
  
(Meru shoves Lloyd at Dee.)  
  
Meru: She's obsessed with you, YOU calm her down!  
  
Lloyd: Hey wait a second...! (Sighs) Fine. Dee... Uhh... Good girl... Sit...   
  
Dee: (Twitch) SILENCE YOU SEXY BISHIE, I DID NOT COMMAND YOU TO SPEAK!  
  
Lloyd: ...   
  
(Lloyd grabs a fire extinguisher from nowhere and slams it over Dee's head.)  
  
Dee: THE COLORS ARE SO PREEEEEEEEEETY! (Falls over.)  
  
Dart: ...That was like a scene out of a horror movie... Or something.  
  
Albert: (Shakes his head.) The lack of intelligence in fanfiction authors still manages to amaze me.  
  
Rose: ...She ate my shoe of doom!  
  
***  
  
Dart: For the love of Soa, Lloyd. She's been out for three hours! How hard did you hit her?  
  
Lloyd: Umm... Well I didn't think it was THAT hard...  
  
Dee: Oh God... I have such a headache...  
  
(Dee sits up to see the Dragoons all gathered around her.)   
  
Dee: ...What?  
  
Miranda: Damn. She's alive.  
  
Dee: Miranda... You forget I control everything that happens to you in this fic.  
  
Miranda: ... I'm going to shut up now.  
  
Dee: Good choice.  
  
Albert: Looks like she has calmed down. Her moment of lunacy must have been only temporary.  
  
Meru: (Sitting at the computer.) Hey, Dee. The modem is still down.  
  
Dee: ...  
  
All: YOU IDIOT!  
  
Dee: RAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Grabs a bat out of no where and jumps at the computer.) MODEM GO SMASH!!! BWAHAHAHA!!  
  
Meru: EEP!   
  
(Meru jumps out of the way. Kongol springs into action and holds Dee back easily.)  
  
Kongol: Kongol calm Dee down. (Throws her out the window.)  
  
Dee: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Loud thud.)  
  
All: KONGOL!  
  
Kongol: What...? Kongol calm Dee down!  
  
(Everyone turns their heads as Dee kicks the door to the inn open.)  
  
Dee: ...WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooosh... (Falls on her face.) Ow...  
  
Lloyd: (Shakes his head.) Soa... There's a lot of violence in this fic.  
  
(Lloyd walks over, picks Dee up, and literally throws her back onto the couch, which she bounces off of and ends up crashing into the floor again.)  
  
Dee: OK... NO ONE ELSE TOUCH ME. AT ALL. FOR THE REST OF THIS FIC. OR I WILL KILL YOU.  
  
Meru: ... (Pokes her with a stick.)  
  
(Dee grabs the stick and gouges Meru's eye out with it.)  
  
All: OH MY GOD!  
  
Shana: (Sees the blood and passes out.)  
  
(A few minutes later, everyone has calmed down and is sitting around one of the tables. Amazingly Meru is fine now.)  
  
Dee: THIS IS ALL RCN'S FAULT! WE MUST DESTROY THE EVIL COMPANY!  
  
Haschel: Stop yelling. I'm getting another headache.  
  
Meru: You ALWAYS have a headache!  
  
Dart: Dee... You said CVS was the "evil company".  
  
Dee: ...Well now RCN is evil too. Do you have a problem?  
  
Guaraha: Why am I not talking?  
  
Dee: Silence you.  
  
Guaraha: ...And what happened to my "horny badass" personality from "The Legend of No Plot" and "The Next Legend of No Plot"?  
  
Dee: ...Umm... It changed? Anyway... LET'S NUKE RCN!  
  
Miranda: (Sarcastically) Wow! That's a good plan, Dee! We keep a spare nuke in the closet just for such an occasion!  
  
Meru: WE DO?!   
  
(Meru runs to the closet to check. Everyone else ignores the idiotic Wingly.)  
  
Kongol: Leave to Kongol. Kongol smash evil company.  
  
Meru: Awwwww... There's no nuke in here! MIRANDA YOU LIAR! (Pegs her with an empty Pepsi can.)  
  
Miranda: OW! YOU LITTLE --Censored-- !  
  
Lloyd: What's with all the censoring in this fic?  
  
Dee: It adds to the humor.  
  
Lloyd: Ah. I see.  
  
Dee: Glad to have shown you the light.  
  
Albert: ...Does this fanfic have a purpose?  
  
Dee: Of course not, you fool. I'm just letting out some anger. I'm going to destroy RCN now.   
  
(Dee then stands up and walks over to Meru. She whispers something to her and they both grin evilly and rush out. Everyone else just sits there dumbly as the two most idiotic members of their little group walk out with violent thoughts filling their heads.)  
  
All: ...  
  
Rose: Well that was--  
  
Haschel: Odd?  
  
Rose: ... No... Sudden.  
  
Haschel: (Disappointed) Oh.   
  
***  
  
(At RCN's HQ thing... The president of the company sits in a big fluffy and comfortable looking chair in front of a desk. The chair is turned in the direction of a single large window, the back to the rest of the office. A Guy, perhaps having some relation to "Some Guy", walks in.)  
  
A Guy: Oh great one?  
  
(The chair spins around, and the one seated in it faces A Guy. In the chair sits... Wink. Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. How can you NOT know Dee's mind by now? It's not too complicated, after all...)  
  
Wink: What?  
  
A Guy: We have been monitoring the girls service, and it appears that our plan to cut off her access to the internet has succeeded.   
  
Wink: Excellent. WITHOUT THE INTERNET SHE IS NOTHING! I will make her pay for trying to take Lloyd from me! LLOYD IS MINE AND MINE ALONE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
(The door to the office bursts open causing both occupants of the room to turn towards it. Cool music appears out of nowhere and in walk two figures clad in all black. Black leather jackets, black shirts, black pants, black boots, sunglasses to add to the effect, and hair tied back into ponytails. Think a rip-off of "The Matrix". Wink lifts a brow as the two who just entered stop in front of her desk. There is a lot of staring going on, and no one says anything for quite a while. Until...)  
  
Wink: You two must be really bored to do something like this. To think... The idiots Dee and Meru trying to look cool. There is nothing you can do! I CONTROL RCN, AND THEREFORE I HOLD THE SUPREME POWER! BWAHAHAHA!!  
  
(Dee and Meru look to each other with incredibly serious expressions on their faces. They stare for a few seconds and turn back to Wink.)  
  
Dee: Silence. The incredibly small size of your intellect is irritating me.  
  
Meru: Indeed. She is also quite a loud one. Perhaps we should shut her up once and for all.  
  
Wink: (Eye twitch.) Ohhhhh... Aren't you two big?  
  
Cool Music: (Continues to play.)  
  
Dee: You have crossed the line, Wink. One should know not to take internet service away from me, for it causes evil thoughts to enter my mind. Hence where this fanfic came from in the first place.  
  
Meru: And one should also be aware that I become bored very easily and will do anything to stay amused, and decided this would be an excellent way to do so.  
  
(Dee and Meru look to each other again, stare, and then looks back to Wink.)  
  
A Guy: ...  
  
Wink: A Guy... Perhaps we should teach them a lesson.  
  
A Guy: This wasn't in my contract.  
  
Cool Music: (Still playing.)  
  
Wink: JUST SHUT UP AND GET RID OF THEM!  
  
A Guy: ...No?  
  
Wink: (Glares)  
  
A Guy: I mean... Yes Ma'am! (Walks over and stands in front of the two.)  
  
Dee and Meru: ...  
  
A Guy: ...  
  
Dee and Meru: ...  
  
A Guy: ...  
  
Dee and Meru: ...  
  
A Guy: ...  
  
Cool Music: (Hasn't stopped yet.)  
  
Wink: ENOUGH OF THAT STUPID MUSIC!   
  
(Wink grabs a bat and beats the radio that was in the corner of the room until it breaks into three pieces.)  
  
Dee: (Losing all seriousness that she previously had.) CRAP! That was our radio!  
  
Meru: (Also losing her seriousness.) AND OUR COOL MUSIC!  
  
Dee and Meru: DIE!  
  
Wink and A Guy: ROOOOOOOOOOAR!!  
  
(Here is where you insert the really big fight scene with cool martial arts and big flashy explosions. Dee is simply too lazy to actually write one. Oh well.)  
  
***  
  
(Back at the inn.)  
  
Dart: So who wants to bet they won't be coming back?  
  
Guaraha and Lloyd: (Doing an Irish Jig and singing together.) I love the fishes 'cause they're so deliciooooooous! GONE GOLD FISHIN'!  
  
Rose: ... Why oh why must Lloyd be such a moron after he drinks Pepsi?  
  
(Miranda has fallen asleep with her head on a table. Haschel and Kongol are watching her in amazement.)  
  
Haschel: DUDE LOOK! SHE'S DROOLING!  
  
Kongol: WOW! LOOK! MIRANDA BLOW BUBBLES FROM HER NOSE!  
  
Both: HA HA HA!!  
  
Albert: Hmm... I think somehow you've all caught some of Dee's stupidity.  
  
Shana: (Clings to Mr.Fluffy.) It's ok, Mr.Fluffy... Everything's going to be ok... I won't let these cruel people hurt you... (Tries to look threatening, but fails horribly.)  
  
(Dee and Meru then walk into the inn, still in their entirely black outfits, giggling madly like little schoolgirls.)  
  
Dart: ...I'm kind of afraid to ask... But what's so funny?  
  
(They look to each other again, and burst out into fits of laughter. Everyone else simply shakes their heads. Meanwhile... Off in Fletz, a large box is delivered to the home of a certain frightening individual.)  
  
Kaffie: (Opens the door to see a huge box on her front steps.) WOWIGOTAREALLYBIGBOXINTHEMAILIFEELREALLYSPECIALNOWIWONDERWHAT'SINITWHOSENTITINEEDTOKNOWIHAVETOFINDOUTORELSEI'LLGOINSANEANDMAYBEISHOULDJUSTOPENITANDFINDOUTLATER!!  
  
(Kaffie opens the large box, and Wink and A Guy stick their heads out and blink.)  
  
Kaffie: ...HIYA!!!  
  
Wink and A Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
(At the inn again.)  
  
Rose: Did anyone else hear that...?  
  
Meru: Maybe we were a bit too hard on them?  
  
Dee and Meru: ...NOPE! BOOGENHAGEN!! (High five.)  
  
Albert: ... I'm so frightened.  
  
Dart: Aren't we all, Albert... Aren't we all.  
  
END! 


End file.
